Being Strong All the Time Is Heavy: Black Men, Masculinity, and the Case for Putting It Down

In my work as a therapist, I meet men who have spent years being the dependable one: the problem-solver, the protector, the person everyone else can lean on. For some Black men, that role can come with another unspoken expectation: keep moving, keep your feelings contained, and don’t let anyone see you struggle.

The feelings don’t disappear just because they haven’t had room to be spoken. I want to make space for a gentler possibility: strength can include letting someone listen.

What a study of Black men’s experiences found

In a 2026 qualitative study, Adams and colleagues spoke with 15 Black adult men in Maryland who had lived experience of suicidal thoughts and/or behavior. Their average age was 32.1, and participants ranged from 18 to 79. Each man took part in a 60-to-90-minute interview conducted between February 2022 and October 2023. The researchers used thematic analysis, bringing together an intersectional framework for understanding racial identity and gender role strain. A focus group with three participants helped researchers check and refine the themes.

The study’s small group of interviews cannot represent every Black man’s experience. But the participants’ accounts offer a meaningful look at how racialized ideas about masculinity can shape emotional expression and help-seeking.

The paper also cites CDC WISQARS data: suicide rates among Black adult men increased by approximately 26% between 2018 and 2023, from 14.92 to 18.82 deaths per 100,000. The paper notes that suicide is the third leading cause of death for Black young adult men. It also reports that the overall rate among Black Americans, 8.80 per 100,000, remains lower than rates among other racial groups while increasing steadily year by year. These figures are important context, not a prediction about any one person, and not a measure of the varied lives behind them.

What “being strong” was actually doing

The men described learning a narrow version of masculinity early: be tough, rely on yourself, and keep painful feelings private. Some called it a kind of generational “training.” In their accounts, performing strength was not about controlling other people. It was more like trying to control their own vulnerability in a world they did not always feel would protect them.

That distinction matters. Toughness can be a way of navigating real conditions, including racism and the stereotypes placed on Black men. Participants described feeling watched through stereotypes such as being threatening or emotionally distant. Some felt the deck was stacked against them. The pressure to stay composed could become especially heavy when they were expected to endure the cumulative effects of racism but did not feel they had space to process them.

For some men, asking for help felt so unfamiliar or impossible that they carried painful experiences in silence for years. That silence was not a lack of resilience. It was a response to messages that vulnerability might be unsafe or unwelcome.

The double bind of gender role stress

The study names gender role stress: the strain that can arise when a person’s emotional needs conflict with expectations about how a man should act. Participants recalled messages such as “snap out of it,” “walk it off,” or “don’t cry.” These ideas can come from family, media, and the wider world, sometimes repeated until they feel like rules.

When someone learns that sadness must be hidden, it can become harder to reach out. Suppressed feelings may deepen isolation; isolation can make a person feel like a burden or as though no one would understand. The study describes this as a pathway participants experienced, not as a simple or inevitable sequence. The pain these men described is real, and it is survivable. Speaking about it can open a path toward connection and support.

Culture, community, and what therapy can mean

Several men in the study described therapy as “a white thing,” while being taught to tough it out. That perception deserves to be heard rather than dismissed. If care has not felt welcoming or culturally responsive, it makes sense that someone might hesitate.

The authors also discuss how ideals of autonomy and stoicism can contrast with Afrocentric values such as Ubuntu: a sense of shared humanity, interdependence, compassion, and communal well-being. Seen through that lens, reaching for support need not be a betrayal of identity or strength. It can be a way of letting trusted people stand with you.

What I try to bring to care

I want therapy to offer a safe, supportive, and respectful space where a person does not have to explain away their identity or prove their pain. Culturally responsive, gender-informed care makes room for the whole person: his strengths, relationships, values, stressors, and hopes.

That means I try to ask about racism-related stress and isolation without assuming every Black man experiences them in the same way. It means understanding how ideas about masculinity may have helped someone survive, without treating resilience itself as a problem. It also means making room for vulnerability at a pace that feels collaborative and respectful.

Trusted community settings (barbershops, faith communities, peer spaces, and culturally centered programs) can help make conversations about support feel more familiar. They can be bridges, not replacements for whatever kind of care a person chooses.

If you love a Black man

You don’t have to find perfect words or solve everything. A steady, caring invitation can matter. Try listening without rushing to fix, asking rather than quizzing, and keeping the door open even if he isn’t ready to talk today. Avoid turning a vulnerable moment into an interrogation or a lecture.

You might say: “You don’t have to carry that alone. I’m not trying to fix anything. I just want to hear you.”

Or: “I care about you. Would it help to talk, take a walk, or look for support together?”

A warm welcome can make it easier to take one small step.

What the study can, and can’t, tell us

This was a small qualitative study of 15 men in Maryland, and participants were recruited through clinician referral and a patient portal, so men facing the greatest barriers to formal care may be missing. Masculinity was not an explicit focus of the interview guide; related themes emerged through the interviews. Interviews offer snapshots, and experiences differ among men and across regions. Qualitative research can help us understand how and why people experience something, but it cannot tell us how common those experiences are.

A few gentle things to try this week

• Name one feeling out loud to someone you trust.

• Try one small honest sentence instead of “I’m fine.”

• Choose one point of connection: a friend, faith community, barber, or peer group.

• If the weight includes thoughts of ending your life, reach out for support tonight.

If you need urgent support

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. You can also call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for support. Talk to Heal Counseling Center is not a crisis service.

What I take from this as a therapist

The men in this study were already talking when they sat down for interviews. Their stories remind me that speaking up happens, and that a person does not need to have everything figured out before beginning. Strength does not have to mean carrying everything alone. It can include letting someone in, at your own pace, in a safe and supportive space.

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Citations

Adams LB, DeVinney A, Aljuboori D, Bachman S, Lateef H, Habteyesus A, Willie TC (2026). "Performing Strength: Racialized Masculinity in the Lived Experiences of Black Men at Risk of Suicide." American Journal of Men's Health, 2026 Jan 8;20(1):15579883251408351. doi 10.1177/15579883251408351. https://doi.org/10.1177/15579883251408351

CDC WISQARS, as cited in Adams et al. https://www.cdc.gov/injury/wisqars